as her arrival draws nearer. her father and i grow further apart. the differences in our mentality with living and life was a small fracture that has grown into an abyss. and we stand on either side.
i still cry. i cry until it hurts. until my tears are tainted with iron as my body breaks it’s own veins. and i sit. alone and cold. wrapped in a blanket. mopping up both the blood and the tears from my face.
but i have a small flower of determination to forget him. to move past him. but i always hit a road block.
the problem is the daughter growing and kicking inside.
i want to cut him out. to excise him like an old wound. to remove the thorn and let my skin heal over. but i can’t. because she will have a silver strand tethering her forever to him. and like a circuit. we’ll always be connected in some way. burdened by memories and pain.
and again. though i wish her no pain. and i will never regret her hand in mine. i find myself beating my head against my fists.
and wondering why i didn’t get an abortion 8 months ago.
October 20th, 2011 - 7:16 pm
I admire your honesty. They say having a baby changes everything. Besides the not sleeping part, I think parents mean that having a child forces you to embrace possibilities, to have hope, and to love. She is almost here!